Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in i_know_no_one's LiveJournal:

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Friday, July 29th, 2011
1:13 pm	new poem i am nothing if not yours in what dream will i awake at the beginning unassured , but calm alone , but confident in what dimension of life will freedom come unencumbered by delirious delusions when man's aim and profligately cause seek only to entrap oneself in this madness that we call reality (no sorry - civilisation) is there no longer a hope for something different? with the rapidity of the universal consciousness exponentially opening the minds and cavities of the sleeping masses, with chirps and tweets skipping past time and space leaving traces and glimpses of awareness and potential like dust swept from a table, what diluted form of awakening have we settled for? where have all the prophets gone? but we are here my dear boy sleeping peacefully within ; injected into whatever Perdue lump of white that you now know as chicken ; singing sweet melodies from a nearby balcony in sleeping ears of many resting babes , and with a jolt of coffee in the morning , or a bump of snow in some chic white bathroom stall at the Brasserie on 53rd our ideas and ideals are reborn and who are you with such righteous invocation of a consciousness - diluted maybe, but consciousness all the same spread to many more, if not a self-aggrandized child - son of some old artist - trying no doubt to hold onto your hierarchical place in another group of sleepers pretending to search as though we don't see you there hiding behind your mac-book and alcohol embellished existence waiting for the next great awaking of the past your fair-trade coffee and additive-free cigarettes don't change the drug they only fortify it's hold over you yet you have the choice , thanks to us! you dole and you wait and you wish deep deep within for the moment that you can inspire. for us to sing through your cracked fingers and let you breathe forth, from the songs of old, the new. yet it is without work it is without study it is without compromise you want your suffering on plate , off to the side for desert... for inspiration for the story for the tortured artist amulet on the wrist of your middle-class urban life. we are so sorry to displease ! (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 3rd, 2009
8:29 am	Scottish reprieve as of today i have been in Scotland for 3 weeks. it is hard to say exactly what i've been up to this whole time... my initial idea was to work at the stable up the road in exchange for riding privileges, but i haven't even been there yet. another idea was for me to help out around the grounds to try and earn a little money of my own, so that i'm not moving to Switzerland with only mom and Joe's money... another idea that has gone nowhere. i have not been very active for a very long period of time - active in the sense of having a stable job with stable hours and stable income - save for an extremely over-whelming 6 weeks back in the summer, 6 months ago. to be honest i've been in a total tail spin since then, and my focus and "work" have been primarily on gathering what it is that i know about myself, and establishing some sort of agenda and plan, so as to be able to continue on with my life, despite being as lost as ever. i took on a position for my folks that they, simply said, abandoned and neglected themselves. the estate in New York needed to be settled and rented... so i finished up some of the interior painting and tasks and looked for renters. it was a long and painstaking process that wore on me intensely, but the work itself was not difficult - only the situation was. i was there with the understanding that in return for my help they would pay for my travel and initial living expenses to and where i would next choose to live. now seeing that i chose Switzerland, one of the most expensive countries in the westernized world, their role of financially propagating my move was not exactly within their budget. i came to visit Scotland with the plan of establishing contacts and possibly work in Geneva, whilst taking a long awaited reprieve from the pain and situation in New York, the one sent me running to another land in search of escape. after less then a week in Scotland, on this massive and peaceful estate, i realized that a reason for my being here was to move on with my most painful and immediate past circumstance in the States. i am here to digest, settle and reconcile the situation that lay unhealed within me. but being, possibly, over-sensitive to the needs and struggles of my mother, i immediately began to help her in her daily activities. the flat that we're all in is also too small and cramped to comfortably accommodate all the life forms within it, without a lot of upkeep and maintenance, not to mention that when i first arrived there was no space allocated for me and my massive amount of belongings. it took a couple of days for me to settle, and there being 4 kittens running around and destroying any and all order, settling is not a one time job. that's right, when i first got here there were 4 kittens and 4 adult cats, all with there own complex hierarchy and individual personalities adding to the cramped enclosure of this two room apartment. Mr. Pretty (Joe) is here in Scotland as a researcher, studying an ancient rock formation (Carin Holy) - it is an independent study and unpaid project. they survive by way of his trust fund, the rent that is now coming in from the house in NY, and the sale of my mother (The Crutch) 's oh so very expancy Siamese kittens. as i said the cats generate an endless amount of vacuuming and cleaning, but one, quite serious, problem is that Mr. Pretty is pretty useless when it comes to helping out with such. the Crutch was named, so eloquently by my sister (little miss moody pants) because she has a limp and uses a cane or crutch to hobble around... it is due to an accident that she incurred at 16 years old, and continues to haunt her... she has had a few reconstructive surgeries and has developed a pretty nasty addiction to her pain medication - another reason why the nick-name suits her. so i immediately began to help out with the cats, cooking and cleaning - the problem that arose from my generous contribution was that i was not taking any of the load off of the Crutch, for as soon as i began to pitch in... Mr. Pretty, pretty much, stopped. this, understandably, angered the Crutch, and as her most recent surgery loomed she began to ask more and more for a contribution from him, and as he continued to shrug the requests and allowed me to pick up his slack, her frustration turned into bitter anger. all but one of the kittens have gone to new homes - Mia is staying to be the next bread winner in her line - she is 5 generations into the family of cats that we have. but even without a house full of kittens destroying everything, the work to be done is substantial enough to require participation from Mr. Pretty, as the Crutch has just returned from her surgery and is bed-bound for now. Mr. Pretty and the Crutch have been on the outs, having rows almost constantly, and i've just been doing what i can to help out and alleviate as much responsibility and tension as possible from both... standing somewhat in the middle - but with more of an emphasis on consoling my poor mother, and helping her to take more responsibility for her anger and reactions then she would otherwise do on her own... i'd say i'm pretty good for that. well that went on for long enough to give anyone reading an adequate overview of my situation within the house. yeah, family is drama... but that's okay! (Comment on this)
8:22 am	1st week away i am now in the United Kingdom. i have been here for a week, and have just arrived at the flat of my parents: mother and beau pere, in Scotland. the country side is gorgeous, white with snow, dotted with grazing sheep. i arrived in London early last thursday morning, and lugged what i could to the flat of an old friend in trendy Shoreditch... i'd say it's equivalent to Williamsburg in Brooklyn, but maybe slightly more gay... but just as seedy! it was nice to see him, my old friend, but his room isn't exactly big... and my body bags are! so, needless to spell out, i crowded his space. we went out for dinner on thursday to Shoreditch House, the trendy sister club of Soho House, and ate good food, meaning non-english tasting. friday night we went out with a few more of the boys, to Soho House, to see the documentary FUCK... it was pretty brilliant... but maybe half an hour too long for my personal preference, worth it nonetheless! then off to dinner, Japanese - the duck salad was superb! then to a bar for a drink in Soho. the bartender and i were making eyes and so i told Simon... he knows everyone! we, bartender and i, had a quick chat and he served me the most potent jack and coke i've ever had... yay for flirting. "you're in" said Simon. i was then criticized for being honest and telling him that i was from the suburbs of New York. i was told, by my obviously jealous friend, that when asked where i was from in NY i should, of course, say Manhattan... to which i replied quickly "what's the point of having principals if you don't stay true to them when they're inconvenient?" Simon laughed and everyone else shut up. after that it was back to Shoreditch, back to the flat, another drink, before another bar - Simon flaked, stayed central... that's where he lives, he was flying the next day. i believe that the flat is where Hugh left us... it was a long night. we went to club called Kill, yeah, i don't know either. stayed for a while, got drunk, got broke, and met up with another friend of a friend, Chris. from there we went to a huge, raging, and packed stuffed club that i can't for the life of me remember the name of... it was kind of like Phoenix on a wednesday. Darian didn't join us, he had oral surgery then next day! we had a drink, it was too packed to dance or move or talk or think. we left Chris behind and retired. i wasn't sleeping well while in London. i couldn't shake thoughts of what's his face, and i couldn't feel comfortable being in the flat of my once romantic friend, when there was awkwardness between us.... i was also on a different time schedule, becoming sick, and unable to be the open person that i wish i truly were. that friday night / saturday morning sleep, from 4am to 11am was the only time that i was able to sleep soundly next to my old friend. on saturday we went for a walk through London, and headed to Tower Bridge, as that was one of the few tourist sights i never got to whilst living in London.... we went for lunch at Borough Market, and strolled down South Bank. we crossed the Millennium Bridge and went into St. Paul's Cathedral, but stopped short when we learned that there was an eleven pound charge to be able to see the place. my friend then left me to see my darling old friend Rachel who taught me all about the British accent when we lived together in northern London. our friendship had always been based on laughter, sex talk, and going to clubs... save for clubbing, little changed. Rachel, her friend Annie, and i went for a cup of warmth, strolled around, went for a pint and then they left me at the Covent Garden tube station where i met up with my one time professor Michael. he took me out for dinner at a lovely Indian restaurant where we caught up and had a lovely chat. then he took me for a pint at the Ku Bar in Soho. i never had really realized it when i was in his class, but apparently Michael had always had a bit of a thing for me. he didn't tell me this, but i had been told by class mates that they would catch him staring at me in class. it's all pretty inconsequential at this point but i couldn't think of much else when he brought me to gay bar. from there i returned to the flat of my old friend, to find him very unhappy with me. that's another story for another time. the next day, despite not being able to sleep well, i was awoken early enough to the tv blaring "Jay and Silent Bob make a movie" which is not something that you want to wake up to... trust me! i was not in a good mood, but it was only a matter of time till my mother was to be there to pick me up. she showed around 3pm, i said my farewell and, and was off. we grabbed my last bag that i had had to leave at Heathrow, and then drove south to Brighton... to drop off a kitten. we spent the night in Brighton, and again i couldn't sleep. so at 7:30 in the morning i went for some breakfast on the coast. Brit's really need to learn how to make a decent cup of coffee! we checked out at 10:30 and went driving around Brighton in the rain. it's really a quaint little city... i'd love to return sometime during the summer. then we were off to drop off the kitten... mother had brought 2 so that the buyer could choose - bad idea! o stayed in the car for a nap, and listened to the radio - i'm really starting to get into opera. there was also a program on about famous quotes that i really enjoyed. finally the sale was over and we drove north... knowing that we wouldn't make Scotland in one shot we knew that we would have to stop for the night, so i phoned up an old friend in Oxford. Eli (short for Elizabeth) and hubby Ben fed us a bit of vegan dinner and kindly put us up for the night in there flat... finally i slept well! we left the next morning, and arrived in Scotland that afternoon. right, well i think that that's enough for now. (Comment on this)
Friday, February 20th, 2009
9:15 pm	a new form i had a friend who really appreciated certain lines from my poems.... she said that within every one of my poems was a line that surprised and impressed her as "beautifully poetic." so i've taken some of the lines and compiled them into a new poem... i think i kind of like it, but i'm not quite sure how much... here goes. i lay there sticky hot, sweating internally wrapped in you for you as you held me for me. another dream cast in jam watched melt by expectant eyes it is in the hours of mourning that i retreat to my boundless scape to my wondering rituals will you ever reach to hold the glimmers of past potentials and stomp them deep into happening? (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 19th, 2009
9:22 pm	what, how, when? in what life will i awake to your voice a kiss on my cheek a gentle caress ? how will i ever feel that i know you if i must spend my life searching for you? when will i know that i am loved if all i can do is ask? (Comment on this)
Monday, December 22nd, 2008
3:04 pm	like it another thought resurrected from the ether another memory draped in flouring potentials another dream cast in jam watched melt by expectant eyes another idea left to simmer on some rear burner another love kept at arms length another life to live now (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 17th, 2008
4:54 am	to be honest i usually pride myself on saying what i want and need to. yet in some cases i reason past being completely honest and open. i believe in conflict as a means of developing with a person, and therefore avoid conflict when i believe that no positive outcome is possible from a controversy. a certain friend and i , therefore, rarely engage in conflict... not because she feels the same, but because i don't think that development on that scale between us is in the cards. our dynamic is such that i find myself holding my tongue and do not confront many situations because i don't think that she will take it as an opportunity for us to learn and grow. if i believed in her as capable of such, instead of one to just become defensive, i would have confronted her ages ago... at least that's what i tell myself. in fact i think that i only confront her when sure that i can persuade her, which is usually the case when we have an open disagreement. this all makes my relationship with this friend unique from my other friendships... maybe not all of them, but most, especially with those whom i consider confidants. it is my stance that, in general, if a relationship of any kind doesn't have growth and movement within it then it is therefore moot or not worthy of much energy. now, i may be judging this relationship without giving full credit to possible potentials in the future, but to be fair i have known this particular friend for a very long time now, and don't see anything changing without extreme external influences. my problem is that i judge her, and don't tell her. i have problems with the way that she conducts herself in regards to me in particular and don't confront her. this is why i am having such a difficulty. this is also why i had such a problem with prince charming. if i have a conflict with the way that one treats me it is usually my personal obligation to stand up for myself and confront the issue. it is my way of offering my true self and standards to others, and if i can't offer that to someone whom i consider one of my oldest and closest friends than i must recalculate my opinions of myself and conduct. (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 14th, 2008
7:52 pm	new views i was happy once... sadly that happiness was contingent on another. how's that for needing someone? i realize now that my passion resides greatly in my love for other people, my desire to please and serve. it is who i am. how much of this is due to the neglect in my past? how much is due to my inability nurture myself? i hope not to be this dependent upon others for the rest of my days. i hope to learn that i am the most important person in my life, because as of now i am not! i wish that i could comfort myself, love myself - but in an honest way. i think that i ridicule and condemn myself more than i accept and love myself. maybe i should focus on trust... because i do trust myself to do the "right" or admiral thing over most. i have been called a good man, i have been called noble, and i know that (to the woes of some) i am genuine. why cant i be that person when with someone that i love? i see that i have been taught not to trust those who "adore" me. adoration, lust, inspiration, trust, come and go... what then remains? is it love? does love remain? i think that it does. in knowing that i do not trust those who adore me; i do not show them the real me, not at first anyways... this is all assuming that i adore them as well - of course. knowing that i am more than very capable of reading a person and giving them exactly what they want, ought to make me mistrust myself as well! this is dishonest, but maybe a very true representation of myself. maybe i am not always honest, the way that i pride myself to be. i know that i will do many things in order to impress and vie for the affection of others. it usually isn't that hard of a task, as i seem pretty likable; but how much of this is contingent on my charm, and how much of my charm is contingent upon my ability to read and impress a person? just how fraudulent am i? yet all this that i have just written and admitted to is in regards to another person... the real question ought to be, how fraudulent am i to myself? i realize that if i adore a person than i am usually willing to sacrifice. i tend to find myself sacrificing a lot and often too... i think that i am so willing to, because i deem myself as overwhelming, overbearing and, possibly at times, down right difficult - which is at least honest! but it is not proud. should we really be proud of ourselves as we are? i don't think so. but back to sacrifice. at least i don't resent those whom i sacrifice for. maybe this would be a positive step in a self- important process for me - towards becoming more self-important that is. it seems that if i expect people to sacrifice for me, or if i expect them to not ask for sacrifice from me then i can begin to see myself as a more important part of the circumstance. but how much of me longs to sacrifice for another? i don't even think that until now i have ever really resented myself for sacrificing as much as i have for the approval of others. but in my defense and to be totally honest; i do understand why it is that i am so willing to sacrifice my desires and passions for another. i do see the path of events that has driven others away, when i was stubborn and unwilling to sacrifice... not to mention that i blame myself for abandonment that happened in my formative years that had nothing to do with any act on my part. how necessary is sacrifice to a healthy relationship? do i trust myself or don't i? i have said both. (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 13th, 2008
3:26 am	finally, a new question. there is an awful lot of deception that comes from one. maybe i mean misconception... maybe it is not a total lie to believe that you are something that you are not. but, if it's not a lie then what is it? i have this, and i've written about it in here somewhere... the post is called "accepting a fraud." the idea is that we look into certain things, have plenty of interest in their objectivity but do nothing with the concept in regards to ourselves and the way we interact with the rest of the world, or life. but this time i'm looking at someone else... and i find myself judging a person because he enjoys poetry and the songs of the heart but refuses, almost, to show any vulnerability to such things as they manifest in front of him. is it out of desire, yearning, that we look into such unique interests? is there an emptiness that we wish to fill? maybe we are afraid to fill the holes that reside in us... maybe the vacancy reminds us of work that we could be doing. it seems that there must be such a recognition, that we understand somehow what we are missing, a phantom love, vocation or interest. but how then do we convince ourselves that we are actually taking part in the filling of such voids, if it is only subconsciously that we see them in the first place? (Comment on this)
3:02 am	30 words describing yourself i would call myself a servant. my chief goal is to facilitate trans-formative experiences for youth. i love to learn and i love to improve. service feeds my deepest roots. (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 6th, 2008
8:09 pm	a love poem in dieing hours you return... back to your comfort of the unknown back to the excitement of no rules no boundaries, the rapture of a first kiss it is in the hours of mourning that i retreat to my boundless scape to my wondering rituals as consistent as the tide i come and go i can not stay, did you think i would? did you believe that i only wanted you? as the sand to my sea you must learn to love me only when i rest upon you for no more can i offer in return. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 25th, 2008
12:27 pm	first choice ( 1st edit) as you weep for what is gone for fear of not attaining what it is you want most you lose sight of what it is that you have always had dark creatures, sentinels of longing will be your only friends, and as you embrace this solemn and warm darkness you see a flicker of past lives of past loves a flicker to remind you, of all the happiness and warmth that has passed before you, all that you have had, all that you deserve. and as you ignore this glimmer with inaction as your means of survival. you recognize its death its emptiness like a star it is already extinguished yet still showing light from the past your life and love have already run their course and it is up to you to decide if another existence is possible much like the universe beyond all rests upon chaos and the freak accidents of the world but you have already chosen demons as companions is there ever a turning back? you have always possessed the choice to observe and with a steely disposition you have chosen introspection over action will you ever grab to hold the glimmers of past potentials and stomp them deep into happening? you must betray your fears and self-pity, and as your closest confidants this is no easy task you trust your misery as you trust your lost life something tangible is all that you want and so you reach to hold it and if you could only touch it, feel its reality you would certainly drive it into your soul if you could only believe - you would encounter the first choice that you have ever really had (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 16th, 2008
11:32 pm	i am now wondering if i have gained or achieved anything this year. it is a real question for me. i recognize certain things, such as being able to give space to someone, being able to be sympathetic to the needs of another, but i wonder what i have learned from this... what i have gained? being able to achieve something for the sake of another is tricky in that it is hard to judge what you gained from it.... how it benefited you. a year ago i was sure that i hadn't been following my passions and that i needed to jump-start my life in that regard... this has not changed. i realize that i had a lot of passion that went into my relationship, but since that ended so abruptly it is hard to feel that it was worth the effort - more like, the focus or attention, that i gave to it. this is why i feel that i deserved more or better. i know that i impressed myself in this past year in regards to myself in relation to another... i was able to be a man, the man, that i want to be. and not just fall into old habits and patterns - using the excuse that that is essentially who i am. i got the chance to prove to myself that i am capable of being sympathetic to more than my own emotional desires. i know that it was important for me to feel love from another - as though i really questioned whether or not i was worthy or capable... this is somewhat false though, as i knew that i am worthy of love from others, but i had never before been told so, and never so definitely. it almost feels that this too should be put back into question because of how i was treated. it's just lousy that i am stuck questioning my-own worth because he decided to treat me like shit! another thing that i am incapable of forgiving him for! and the more things that i am unable to forgive him for doing, leaves me feeling more incapable. (Comment on this)
Friday, October 10th, 2008
1:16 am	good bye my love~ the fact of the matter is that it is different for us, and not in any good ways. i am more uncomfortable then ever! i can not engage you, emotionally, physically, intimately, conversationally - i don't have the confidence in us, as two people who want to be together, not even as friends... everything feels forced, and borderline fake. spending time with me is not a priority, i am not a priority. i used to feel loved and special, those days are gone and so is any chance of us engaging in any positive way. it is time for me to realize that our love and life together is past resurrection. the trouble for me is that i am still simply smitten with you - i am still yours. and you are not, nor wish to be, mine! good bye my love. i will always remember you! thanks for letting me know that i am worthy of love! (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 8th, 2008
2:24 am	the battle for hope the question remains of how do we move on? it isn't that we think of life as a process of moving through things or past things or on with things... but that we continue. being that the past isn't gone from us, but it is now apart of us - and so how do we continue on down the same road even though we feel as though we have been burdened with a an extra load, a bag of stones to carry? i have recently heard an idea expressed from 2 people, and not that it is an unfamiliar idea or notion, just not one that i have ever truly adopted for myself, that one, or we, feel as though we have lost something to those that we love - as though they now possess something of ours that we can no longer possess without them - and the idea that i have been hearing is that we still carry all of it, no matter what we feel has been taken from us. i don't find that anything, but maybe dignity or respect or pride, has been put at jeopardy. in fact, i only have more now, more feeling without focus, or loss of purpose - without a person or direction to channel my love. as though to give my love to the same person that hurt me is to be dishonest or untrue to myself - or without the ability to let go or move on. but move on to what? and more importantly, let go of what? the hopes and dreams that you had for yourself and that person, maybe - but not the love itself! maybe one, at times, needs to abandon notions of hope, but why ever abandon hope? desire i can see needing to take a back seat of our goals and hopes for ourselves, but not hope! it seems as though what we feel has been taken is hope, but only you can give that away, and it is never worth giving up! not for yourself and certainly not for your dreams! (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 5th, 2008
11:05 am	going out it is with a commitment that i was able to extract myself from bed this morning... without one, or several, i'm sure that i would still be sleeping cozy, curled up with Nina, under down. my first order of business was, of course, to put on water for my caffeine in-take; then it was off to the lavatory and then back to the kitchen. well that's not entirely true... before i even put water on, i turned the dryer back on so as to warm up the pants that i am wearing today - very smart of me, me thinks. i am now on cigarette number two, and the coffee is still above the half way point in my mug. that's how these things usually go; i actually usually don't drink through my caffeine so quickly but there is pressure as i am leaving soon, i never want to be waist full as a substance abuser. smoking every fag down to its last puff and drinking every drop from every cup, save for water, to the bottom. (Comment on this)
Friday, October 3rd, 2008
2:06 am	childish drinking i am now remembering being a young boy, at a celebration of the 13th. it was a movements demonstration. my mother was involved. i was sitting way back with the other children, nose bleed section... i was not in the habit of wearing or bringing my glasses with me anywhere, and so, of course, i could not see the individuals very well. i remember sitting next to Cris, and having him try and tell me which one of the spinning dancers was my mother. it didn't work so well. i never actually was able to feel as though i could see her... but at the same time it wasn't important. anonymity is a real part of the work and the movements... even though we and our egos betray this notion quite often, it is still a principle of the teaching. anywho, back to my story... at the end of the celebration a toast was made. and as all toasts in the group, it was made with Armagnac. i was 12, maybe 13 at the time, and to drink alcohol with the consent of yours and every other parent in your life is more than a big deal. i remember being more than excited at the notion of having a toast with the rest of the adult community. how you take the toast is totally individual, some sip it, others shoot it. i shot mine, and it was strong, but i remember the other kids complaining and and noting the strength of it and maybe that's why i don't remember being surprised or worried about how strong it was. i have always been one of those people who try to be unaffected by what others deem as strong, powerful, too this, or too that. i always am the one who says, when he can, "oh it's not that bad." any ways, one of the other children, Elizabeth, didn't want her shot, and asked if anyone else fancied it... my hand shot up, i did! and so without any hesitation i shot a second. i don't remember exactly how i felt that night, but i do remember everyone else calling me drunk. i'm sure that i was playing it off a bit, but word got back to my mother, and as i approached her she told Cris to take me around the block for some fresh air. she was obviously disappointed in me, and also worried about what that said about her as a parent. in retrospect i would say that the one thing that my mother could have done better would have been to not put as much social pressure on us... as she was always talking about what others thought or would think; it was obviously a concern of hers. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 1st, 2008
1:55 pm	inner turmoil i have never before been intimate with someone whom i am so conflicted towards, never feeling such love and hatred for the same person at the same time... and still allowed myself to share deeply intimate space with them. i am torn between two painfully strong experiences of one man... and i have been taught that to be able to stand between two contradictory feelings, sensations, is a rare gift, and an experience worth observing. i don't want to be a part of his daily life. i don't want him apart of mine... even though i guess that i cant do anything about such 'inevitabilities.' but what i mean is in a physically proximal way. i have decided that when he leaves for Stockholm, he will be leaving me forever, i wont be here when he returns. and if i am physically it will be inconsequential, he wont have any access to me! not that i thought that he would have access to me now. he knows every way that i feel, and still can't answer a simple question, such as 'what do you want from me?' or ' how do you feel about me?' nothing, he has apologized for his lack of substantial answers but it doesn't change his ability to give me one. (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 27th, 2008
1:53 pm	a response letter written, never sent in SF you could have chosen to have me come up and work through the issue, or forget about it... your options were to have it be something that we could work with and possibly bring us closer or together, or to let it be something to divide us. you chose to let it divide us. this left me with the same decision to make in NY. i chose to try and work with it, with you... but it had already divided me from you, it had already hurt me, and mainly because i couldn't understand your decision, and you never apologized for doing what you had. the only reason why i would communicate with you now would be to work through it, bringing us closer together... and that seems impossible, and not even what you want. you obviously don't want to put real work into a relationship, at least not with me, because as you say "we are not an eventuality." but because i don't believe anything to really be an eventuality, everything needing work and intention, than this thing that we could have had is now a lost cause. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 24th, 2008
4:38 pm	random you have open me allowed me to see the vulnerability of undressing the beauty of the natural form. you have allowed me to know that i am worth loving that great things can happen to me. a great toast may your neighbors respect you troubles neglect you Angels protect you and Heaven accept you. (Comment on this)